My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
