Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
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