haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
