so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
