dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
He passed out mid-signature
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Randomize
