I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
