The maid of honor just puked.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
