Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
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HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
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Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
MIDGETS
????
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
COCAINE IS GR8
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