You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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