I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
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Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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