life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Randomize
