i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
