forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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