I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
