So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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