Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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