she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
So many bounce houses so little time
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
