rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
