All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Randomize
