Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
