non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
