Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Your dad touched me again.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
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you had me at cake vodka
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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