you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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