This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
