im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
