You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
