You can't special order awesome
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
