we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
