can we get nightvision for the apartment?
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
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