At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
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