I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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