Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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