When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Randomize
