My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Randomize
