You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
