My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
she pinky promised me she was 18
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
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