11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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