fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
PANTIES FOUND
Randomize
