I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
