You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Randomize
