I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize
