Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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