If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
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