if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Randomize
