if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
