We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
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