I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
