Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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