dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
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