I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
