just tell him i said nine months
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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