pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
