mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
