I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
COCAINE IS GR8
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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