She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
