whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
