I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
