and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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