you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
