My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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