My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
