The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Randomize
