I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Randomize
